A Cup of Love (Surely not Fear)
With this post I’m going to diverge for a bit from my usual topic of technology and return to an age old question pondered by everyone from Socrates and Aquinas to Hobbes, Shakespeare and Machiavelli, just to name a few. No doubt, it will continue to be fervently debating so long as mankind walks the face of the Earth. So why bother asking which is to be preferred? It’s less a question about which one is better, and more about how to live a good life. The answer is often neither evident nor explicit.
To posit the question from a more modern perspective, two movies seemingly unrelated with completely different directors, epitomize the struggle: Fight Club and Good Will Hunting. The protagonists of each are internally at war with themselves. Each proceeds down a path that perpetually sets the tone and shapes the character of his life. Will Hunting chooses a path that leads him to love and compassion, whereas Tyler Durden pursues fear and violence. More importantly, however, both films consider the real enigma of life: loyalty. Specifically, how we may attain it from our friends, acquaintances, and even, at times, our enemies.
For Durden in Fight Club, loyalty is obtained through sheer force of will. Loyalty to Tyler means you’ve probably been a victim of his mayhem and fear him. Comparatively, with Will Hunting your loyalty means you are his friend, share a pint of beer at a baseball game, and can chat with him about life. Each protagonist has an schism in their personality that propels them toward a malevolence. However, it’s how they temper themselves that ultimately determines their nature. Tyler resorts to wanton destruction and fuels his rage. Hunting delves into academic self-eduction, the pursuit of a woman, and mixes it with a measure of vengeance for those who cross him. In choosing either course, Machiavelli offers us this in The Prince:
Upon this a question arises: whether it be better to be loved than feared or feared than loved? It may be answered that one should wish to be both, but, because it is difficult to unite them in one person, is much safer to be feared than loved, when, of the two, either must be dispensed with. Because this is to be asserted in general of men, that they are ungrateful, fickle, false, cowardly, covetous, and as long as you succeed they are yours entirely
Neither fear nor love can guarantee loyalty. The most cruel person in town may be easily toppled when someone strong enough rises up to exercise their revenge (chances are this person will surely exist). Likewise, being the nicest won’t help you avoid those that simply despise you for that kindness. If I had to chose to part with one, I would personally dispense with fear. I disagree with Machiavelli: fear is far more difficult to maintain, and leaves a notorious stain on one’s soul and an unrepairable reputation. Love, although harder to initially obtain is more rewarding over time. Men are naturally inclined to be of good nature.
The real answer, I believe, is that neither alone is sufficient. Being too compassionate will encourage your most timid enemies to walk all over you. Too vengeful, and you’ll eventually experience the merciless retribution of your opposition. As with all things, there must be a balance. In the figurative words of Theodore Roosevelt, sometimes you just need to walk softly and still carry a big stick.
The best way to receive loyalty is to offer loyalty, and demand little. If it is every forsaken, the immediate recourse should not be anger or rage, but perhaps calculated, stalwart indifference (offer your enemies nothing). It’s a tricky conundrum. At some point faith comes into play. Back faith up with confidence and respect, and you can grow to presume that others are loyal just by the way you treat them, and not because you beat it out of them (metaphorically speaking). Sure, you’re going to get it wrong sometimes, you’re going to be crossed, but that’s all part of being human, and it makes life more interesting!
So to everyone out there asking the same question, fear or love, I say this: Love unconditionally, laugh at yourself, and expect little in return. Moreover, be quick to sever ties with those who cross you, and slow to allow them to regain your trust if forced to associate with them. (Spoiler Alert) Be the Will Hunting driving off into the sunset to “See about a girl” and not the Tyler Durden blowing his face off in front of one while watching skyscrapers topple in a scene of bedlam.
